I’ve seen this question pop up a lot and I’ve discussed it with colleagues at times as well. Sometimes it seems as if it all boils down to, “You can’t. That’s it.” But that’s rather flippant and would make for a pretty terse blog entry. I also think it’s more nuanced than just that and considering how often I’ve gotten this question, I believe it’s worth discussing more deeply.
When I’m asked this question in the context of therapy, the meaning behind it varies as much as the client themselves. Let me give you just a few examples.
Elizabeth Bennet has a complex relationship with her father. He treats her well, but is dismissive towards her four sisters and mocks her (admittedly difficult) mother. Elizabeth has been seeing a therapist for a while and has grown in self-awareness, developed coping skills when it comes to responding to her challenging mother and younger sisters, and cultivated healthier boundaries for herself. She sees how much therapy has helped her and thinks if he tried it as well, their whole family would benefit. She wants to know how she can get her father to go to therapy.
Lieutenant Worf has been on multiple exploratory expeditions throughout his career as a Starfleet officer, many of which were incredibly traumatic. He currently experiences frequent outbursts of anger and his fellow officers are concerned about him. Lt. Worf is ordered to attend therapy and his role on the security team is contingent upon him completing a certain number of sessions, but he attributes his behavior to his Klingon ancestry and says he isn’t the one who needs help. He states that this is all a waste of his valuable time and that his fellow officers are actually the ones who need to be seeing a therapist, not him. He wants to know how he can get his fellow officers – especially Commander Riker – to go to therapy.
Katie Nolan is a woman who married her husband, Johnny, while they were both still quite young. They had two children in quick succession and Katie works tirelessly at her low-income job to support them all. Johnny is talented, but also abuses alcohol and is generally unreliable. In between jobs, Katie has been trying to meet with a therapist as her schedule permits, but even with a sliding scale in place, she can barely scrape together enough funds to meet with her provider. Therapy has been helpful, but she is exhausted and overwhelmed, and is contemplating quitting. She believes the money would be better spent if Johnny attended instead. Lately, Katie’s spent the majority of her time in session complaining about him, his inability or unwillingness to work more hours, his inconsistent presence in their children’s lives, and – of course – his frequent, heavy drinking. She wants to know how she can get her husband to go to therapy.
In each of the above (fictional) scenarios, individuals have different motivations for hoping that someone else they know comes to therapy. It’s the same in real life.
Some people see how much they’ve benefited from therapy and want others to benefit as well. Some feel upset or embarrassed about being in therapy and may try to lessen or distract from those feelings by pointing out others who they think should see a therapist. Some find therapy helpful, but have someone in their life who is seemingly struggling much more than they are, and they want that person to get much needed support.
I’ve also seen therapy used as a weapon in arguments, as if to try to make the other person feel smaller by disdainfully telling them they “need help.” Folks may throw around terms like “narcissist, “gaslight,” “codependent,” etc. Sometimes they have an accurate understanding of the complexity in these terms, but sometimes not. Maybe they’ve had just enough therapy themselves to be able to try to use it against someone else.
While it’s pretty much impossible to detail every single reason people try to get others into therapy, those are a few frequently seen examples. I have another that I’ll go into later, but it’s slightly different, and I need to hit on some other things beforehand. For the moment, let’s cover something else: why I hit pause when a client asks how they can get so-and-so to go to therapy.
Therapy is, first and foremost, about you. Your needs, your values, and your goals. The most effective therapy is going to be centered around you and what is within what is commonly referred to as your “circle of control.” In each individual’s life, there exists this aforementioned circle of control, a circle of influence, and a circle of concern. Therapy typically works within that very first one, your circle of control.
If you’re interested in a practical example of this, read on. You’re out shopping with a friend for jeans. You see a pair on sale, but you know the brand is known for its unethical business practices. You choose not to purchase the jeans, something that falls directly within your circle of control. Your friend is considering buying them and you decide to speak up and share why you don’t care for this brand. Depending on your friend, their own values, and the kind of friendship you share, they may decide against the jeans. Alternatively, they may go ahead and purchase them. This is because they are within your circle of influence, but not under your control. That the store opted to keep this brand in stock to begin with was a decision outside of your control and outside your influence. Consequently, I’d describe this as something that falls with your circle of concern. Of course, there are ways to pick holes in this analogy, but I’m hoping you still get the gist of what I’m trying to convey.
The people you’ve shared your life with have impacted and/or continue to impact your life, and understandably, you have a vested interest in them being the best, healthiest version of themselves. But ultimately your therapy is about you, just as their therapy (if they end up going) will be about them.
Earlier I alluded to an additional example of a situation wherein someone might try to get someone else into therapy. I held off on addressing it with the others because it’s a bit different, but I’ll touch on it now. You may have already guessed it, but it’s the parent seeking therapy for their child.
This dynamic is distinct from the others because there is a specific power dynamic in play and parents – especially of young children – have a lot of authority over their kids’ schedules. Parents can enroll their child in soccer, take them to the doctor, and yes, have them see a therapist.
I’m obviously biased, but I do think it’s generally a good thing for children to see a competent, child-friendly therapist. Even if a child is growing up in a stable environment and is developmentally on track, it’s beneficial to have another place where they feel comfortable being open, can practice skills, and learn more about themselves. If the child is struggling in some capacity, therapy is also a great place to explore what might be going on.
Having said that, it’s been my experience that when a minor shows up for therapy, it’s often the adults in their life who need it the most. This is so frequently the case that I started addressing it with parents/guardians in the intake session, prior to ever meeting with the child individually, and letting them know that one of the best ways to support their kid in therapy is to invest in their own. (Doing it this way also minimizes potential fallout for the child, as some adults otherwise speculate that they divulged something in session that prompted me to recommend therapy.) For that reason, I always encourage the adult to do their own work with a licensed provider if they want the kid they’re responsible for to do the same.
The overall message is this: there aren’t many situations where someone is essentially made to see a therapist. Even when it does happen, it’s often considered somewhat controversial. For example, sessions that are court-mandated or being required by an employer (something akin to the example I gave involving Worf). In these circumstances, there is still choice involved since, technically speaking, the individual in question could decline and opt for time in prison or the loss of their job – not very attractive alternatives, but alternatives nonetheless.
At this point, you may be wondering, “Well, if I can’t get someone to go to therapy, what can I do?” We’ve already discussed one option, which is focusing on your own work in individual therapy. Your time in these sessions will help you to learn or practice skills that may help answer this question. You can also make a point to speak positively about your sessions and share how you’ve been putting what you’ve learned in them into practice. Your changed life or new outlook may also be all that some people need to nudge them in the direction of trying it for themselves. If you have a close relationship with the person in question, you may be able to suggest they see a licensed clinician for support without alienating them. But if I could give you one other practical suggestion, it would be to create (and enforce) strong, healthy boundaries.
It’s a bit cliche, but bear with me for a moment. If you imagine yourself as a house, the fence surrounding you represents your boundaries. Perhaps this fence is flimsy or doesn’t exist at all (porous boundaries). Maybe the fence is 100 feet high and wrapped in barbed-wire (rigid boundaries). Alternatively, the fence could be a well-maintained structure just the right height to offer protection from intruders, while also being accessible to trustworthy individuals (healthy boundaries).
In real life, this might look like telling a nosy relative that if they mention your weight again, you’re going to end the conversation. You’re not cutting them out of your life forever. You’re not passively allowing them to continue to comment on something you’re uncomfortable with. You’re making a reasonable request with the expectation of follow-through on their part and a specific action you’ll take on your end if they do not.
I could write a lot about boundaries, but it’s not the primary focal point of this particular blog. For now, hopefully that’s enough to get your mind working. In the future, I’ll try to write something more substantial on it and include some recommended reading on the topic.
Ultimately, what I hope you take away from this is that while you can’t necessarily make someone go to therapy, there is plenty that you can do. You can do your own work with a therapist. You can set boundaries that prevent you from getting overwhelmed by another person, their needs, their communication style, etc. You can care for others while also caring for yourself.
What I’m suggesting takes practice. But you can make changes with time.