Before we really dig into things, I want to put your mind at ease. It is normal to see someone and think, “Wow, they’re very attractive.” It is normal to talk with someone and realize, “I really enjoy our conversations.” It is normal for human beings to experience feelings of attraction for other human beings and sometimes that human being happens to be your therapist. If you’d instead met at a softball game, a party, a knitting circle, etc. you probably would have developed the same feelings of attraction. It happens and it’s normal.
I’m aware that some folks from certain modalities will jump up, put on their Freud hat, and ask, “What was your relationship with your mother like?” But sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and I suspect that, more often than not, folks just get crushes and that’s all there is to it. I can touch on what to do if you suspect what you feel is different, but for now I’m going to assume it’s at least similar to what I’ve described, so let’s build on that for now.
If you’re an individual in therapy and are attracted to your therapist, you have a few options:
- Continue seeing your current therapist without disclosing your attraction to them.
- Continue seeing your current therapist and share that you have been experiencing feelings of attraction to them.
- Halt sessions with your current therapist and seek therapy elsewhere.
- Quit going to therapy altogether.
I’m not going to pretend that there’s a one-size-fits-all approach to take in this scenario. A lot depends on you, your personality, your work in therapy, etc. It also depends on the strength of the attraction. If it’s not to the point where it’s occupying much of your mind or interfering with your sessions, then the first option may be most suitable for you. If, however, you find yourself thinking about your therapist outside of session, wondering about their personal life, daydreaming about them, taking particular care with your appearance before seeing them, finding it difficult to open up, or otherwise unable to fully participate in sessions, then it’s probably time to consider other options.
Ideally, I think it’d be fantastic to simply acknowledge the attraction to your therapist while in session and work through it there. What is therapy, if not the exact place to engage your mind, express your thoughts and feelings, and learn or use skills to explore healthy, productive ways of processing them? Or to practice having hard conversations, see these interactions modeled in a healthy way, and navigate the aftermath? With that said, I think it’s worth considering why you might choose not to do that.
First, I’d like you to ask yourself what goes through your mind when you think of telling your therapist that you are attracted to them. If you’re struggling with this, ask yourself the following questions.
- What fears do you have about divulging this piece of information?
- What concerns do you have about their reaction and similarly, what would it look like to trust your therapist to manage their own reactions/feelings?
- How do you think things might change between you and your therapist as a result of your admission?
- What evidence supports these conclusions?
- Having thought through it, how would you like to proceed?
Second, if you’ve concluded that you would prefer to stay silent about your attraction, there are some additional questions to consider.
- Do you otherwise trust your therapist and want to continue working with them?
- If yes, how will this impact your ability to be vulnerable in sessions?
- If no, how would you like to communicate your need to halt sessions with your therapist?
And third, if you’ve opted to share your attraction with your clinician, then what vocabulary do you want to use? I generally recommend something simple and straightforward. Here are some sample scripts.
- “I wanted to share something kind of difficult. I’ve realized I’m attracted to you and it’s become a distraction. I was hoping you would have suggestions on how to process this and move forward.”
- “I’m attracted to you and not sure how to handle it. Do you have suggestions for how I can work through it?”
- “I’ve been having a rough time lately because I feel attracted to you. I appreciate our work together and am hoping you have some insight on how to proceed when something like this happens with a client.”
You can change or modify the script(s) as necessary. This may help it feel more natural and like it’s coming from you. It may still be difficult, but you can do difficult things.
How your therapist responds will probably depend a great deal on them as an individual, their background, their training/education, and their preferred therapeutic model(s). A clinician who studies Freud and practices psychoanalysis is probably going to approach the situation differently than one who reads Glasser and whose primary modality is reality therapy. If you believe that your feelings may be rooted in something from your past, this is also an excellent opportunity to broach that with your counselor. But whether you feel like it’s a pretty standard crush or something that might have deeper origins, a competent, ethical provider will be there to sort through it with you.
Note that my previous sentence stressed what a competent, ethical provider would likely do, but I would be remiss if I failed to acknowledge the possibility for unscrupulous individuals to infiltrate the profession. No field – be it medicine, engineering, education, or something else entirely – is completely safe from those who lack integrity, and counseling is no exception. While there are many safeguards in place to prevent people from practicing if they don’t meet certain criteria, no system is perfect and that’s something you will need to be mindful of.
This is not an exhaustive list, but here are a few red flags to watch out for:
- Your therapist saying or doing something to indicate they are interested in pursuing a relationship with you outside of sessions (e.g., repeatedly contacting you outside of sessions for matters unrelated to your work together).
- Your therapist saying or doing something to indicate they are romantically or sexually interested in you (e.g. making flirtatious comments or innuendos).
- Your therapist engaging in unhelpful self-disclosure (e.g. sharing things about themselves that are irrelevant to your situation or your sessions).
There are certainly times that therapy can be uncomfortable. Sometimes a clinician may challenge their client or point out something about them that’s difficult to hear. But that’s not what we’re discussing here; we’re talking about potential ethical violations that make the counseling room unsafe.
If you’re ever unsure about something that happened in therapy, I’d encourage you to speak with someone you trust. From there, you may be better equipped to decide if it’s necessary to speak with your therapist, their clinical supervisor (if they’re still under supervision), terminate sessions with them, and/or disclose their actions to the state board.
Assuming, however, that your provider is a capable one, transparency has the power to bring more depth to your work in therapy. This show of vulnerability is an investment into the therapeutic process that requires immense bravery at times, but it pays in dividends. The experience of being truly seen, accepted, and validated – all while simultaneously being encouraged to address the pieces that are complicated, messy, and dark – is part of what makes therapy so powerful. It is a catalyst for healing, growth, and peace.
As I wrap up, I want to reiterate how common it is to feel attracted to someone, even if they’re your therapist. The therapeutic relationship that exists between the two of you may make it feel more complex, but you have permission to talk about whatever you need to in therapy, including this.